Out of Hibernation

Hi.  It looks like somehow almost 6 months have slipped by without a peep from me on here.  I intend to blog often.  I write lots of posts in my head while I'm folding laundry and dusting and washing dishes.  Occasionally, I've even logged in and started a post.  I like everything to be in a neat and chronological order though, so instead of just jumping back in I kept trying describe everything that's happened in my life since I last blogged.  A fair amount of time the last few months has been spent dealing with my reproductive health.  That meant that when I tried to write I kept ending up describing my surgeries to remove extensive endometriosis and my now-resolved uterine infection that may have contributed to my miscarriages. 


Nobody wants to read about another person's uterine infection.  No one.  Not even me, and it was my own infection.

So I'd delete everything, write a few witty posts in my head while burning dinner, and come back a week later to write essentially the same post about my surgeries and infection.  I have a habit of waiting to push the "publish" button after I finish writing so that I can reread or edit later.  You're welcome.

Today I'm back with a different tactic.  A compromise with the opposing voices in my head.  I'll provide a short bulleted list of all the health events that relate to the focus of this blog to satisfy the voice that wants all the details in a neat and orderly fashion.  And then I'll share a few bits of wisdom I've learned this week to help out the voice that just wants to jump back into blogging and make people laugh.  If you're here for the fun, just scroll on down!  Here goes:

Medical History

• I had an exploratory laparoscopy in November at the request of my doctor.  She thought my endometriosis may have returned and may have been a factor in my miscarriages.  I was concerned that we were spending money on a surgery that would prove to be unnecessary.

• The surgery showed extensive stage 4 endometriosis throughout my abdominal cavity.  It was too thick and, in some cases, too risky due to placement to remove it with a laser.  The surgery also found the aforementioned uterine Group B Strep infection and several polyps that were removed and found to be benign.  

•  Throughout this time I remained off of all medications that I had previously been on to regulate my hormones.  The fall and winter were.....ummmm....unpredictable around here.  I think I have a fairly good idea of what menopause will be like.  I'm going to pray that will be a short phase of my life.  I would imagine Jon is doing the same.

• I had a second surgery in February to remove the endometriosis.  It was successful and I have only a 7% chance that the adhesions will recur in the same locations.  However, as endometriosis is a chronic disease, it can develop in new locations.  Medication and dietary changes are being implemented in hopes of diminishing the odds of recurrence.  Only time will tell.  My doctor is recommending another laparascopy in 18 months to see if it has come back.

• I am currently being monitored on a monthly basis to see if the medications I am on are doing what they are intended to do.  While we have greatly reduced my risk for miscarriage (endometriosis without any other medical issues carries a 50% chance for miscarriage), there are still improvements to be made before my doctor is okay with us trying to achieve a pregnancy.

• So far, things are looking better, but God likes to change things up just when I think we've got everything figured out.  I continue to pray for more children, but know and accept that His current answer is "not yet" at best and most likely just "no".

What I've learned this week:

• I am not going to teach Meredith how to drive.  In my inexperienced opinion, how you learn to ride a bike is indicative of how you learn to drive.  I have no children of driving age, so I may be completely wrong, but I'm going with that theory for now.  Meredith learned to ride a bike last week.  She hopped right on the bike, trusted without any proof my assurance that she wouldn't fall despite uneven training wheels, zoomed down to the neighbor's driveway, looking behind her at her shadow the whole way.  Remembering to steer and look for obstacles in her path is an issue....for me, not Meredith.  Her biggest concern is that she might be riding fast enough to kill a squirrel.  She doesn't want to kill a squirrel.  I don't think she'll even so much as touch the tail of a squirrel with her bike, but I am concerned that she could do damage to squirrels and more with a car.  I taught her how to ride a bike, so I think Jon can teach her to drive.

• Carbon monoxide detectors show you a range of alarming numbers if you push the "test" button.  The dectector in our basement was chirping one day last week.  I figured it was probably just dying, but thought I'd take the upstairs detector down, just to be sure.  As I did, I decided to push the "test' button to make sure the batteries in that one were working.  It beeped and then started displaying a series of numbers that increased as I descended the stairs.  I freaked out and called Jon to see who to call about a carbon monoxide leak.  As he was trying to decide who to call, he had me take the detector back downstairs.  This time the display didn't budge from zero so I explained how it showed higher numbers when I pushed the test button.  And then Jon explained how that's what the test button is supposed to do.  I'm glad I called him first.  I've called the gas company several times in the past few years thinking I smelled natural gas in the house.  I'm sure I'm on their list of crazy, bored housewives they are required to humor. I didn't need them to put another tick mark next to my name on that list. 

 

• Ask Me Another is a really funny podcast, but might not be the best thing to listen to in public.  This isn't a new show - the archives go back to 2012 and it may have been on the radio longer than that - but it's new to me. It's a NPR show that's sort of a cross between Jeopardy!, GAMES magazine, high school quiz bowls, and Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me.  Yes, I am a nerd.  I've been listening to it while I waddle around town trying to burn off a few pounds from my hips.  It helps pass the time and I look forward to getting to listen to each episode.  However, I am also prone to saying answers out loud and giggling throughout the show.  If you see me wandering around town by myself laughing and shouting out random words, know that I'm listening to Ask Me Another, avert your eyes, and pretend you don't see me.

• Pride goeth before the fall.  I learn this a lot.  Last Wednesday, I was feeling pretty puffed up because I'd managed to get the girls up, out of the house, and to daily Mass in just twenty minutes.   That meant I had time to squeeze in a confession before Mass started and wouldn't have to brave the long lines after Mass on Holy Thursday or Good Friday.  The few pews right next to the confessional were full so I found the girls a spot to sit nearby.  I darted into the confessional, thankful that the light above the priest's door didn't go off before I went in.  After spilling all my deep dark sins and receiving the absolution I don't deserve, I stood up to leave......and realized the door was open.  Not open as in "oops the doorknob didn't quite click shut".  Open as in "wow, I can see the daily Mass regulars sitting in their pews without touching the doorknob".  And if I could see them, I'm guessing at least a few of them could see and hear me.  So.  If you're one of those regulars and we run into each other in the next few weeks, just avert your eyes and pretend you don't see me.  I'll do the same.

 

• My kids think I'm a big sinner.  They're right, of course, but I didn't know they knew that yet.  Wednesday evening at the supper table just hours after my open door confession, the following conversation took place:

          Meredith:  Hey Mom, what was that thing you went into today?
          Me:  Huh?  What thing?  Oh, you mean at church?
          Meredith:  Yeah.
          Me:  That's a confessional.
          Meredith:  What do you do in there?
          Me:  I told the priest what my sins were and that I was sorry for them.
          Jocie: Oh! (pause)  THAT'S why you were in there so long.


The Cliff's Notes version (do they still make those?) for busy people: 

• I had 2 surgeries and a have a new med/diet regimen.  I'm healthier than before but I'm not holding my breath on that translating into a new baby.
• Mer's a crazy bike rider so Jon will be in charge of her driving lessons.
• Learn how your life-saving household monitors work before you freak out and make a fool of yourself.
• Always, always, always double check the door to the confessional.  It should be closed before you open your mouth.

I hope you all had a happy, blessed Easter.  Here is a photo of the girls this Easter - unrelated to what I wrote about, but this way the blog header won't show up when I post this on Facebook.  Ten minutes before these were taken, I had better light and happier children.  What I didn't have was the camera set on autofocus like I thought I did.  All the photos turned out blurry.  Live and learn....hmmm, I guess the photo is related.
 

Maybe I'll be back here before Pentecost.  Maybe. No promises this time!

Seven Quick Takes

It seems as though every time one of the bloggers I read stops posting for a while she returns with a pregnancy – or sadly, sometimes a miscarriage - announcement.  Let me put your minds at ease.  I am neither pregnant nor grieving another miscarriage. 

So where was I for the last few months?  Mostly trying to soak up the last bit of summer, surviving the first few weeks of school, and coping with the occasional round of insomnia.  I think we’re back in a good routine now, so I thought I’d dip my toe back into blogging with a fluffy post and by joining up with Kelly (really late because these are not worth reading) for a few quick takes about the random things I learned while not blogging.  Here they are, in no particular order:

 ~1~

 My email thinks almost 40 is one step away from the grave.  I used to get lots of spam for products to enhance various body parts and offers from women to cheat on my husband (my spam also thinks I'm male).  After my last birthday, those emails have stopped.  Now I get at least 2 a day offering me life and/or burial insurance and weekly emails from a website called "Senior Soulmates" and from the people who make those walk-in tubs for for the elderly.  I think I can do without the insurance and I don't have a use for a soulmate twenty years older than me, but those tubs are starting to look good....

 ~2~ 

Children have low cake expectations.  Jocie’s birthday was at the beginning of September.  She wanted a baking-themed party.  That’s not true.  She wanted a Frozen party, but I said no princess parties and tossed out a few ideas.  She liked the baking idea.  My cake decorating skills are not good, but I usually try to come up with something that relates to the party theme.  The only suggestions Google and Pinterest had for me this time involved lots of fondant and multi-tiered cakes.  I do not have the skill to mess with either of those for birthday cakes.  Since I was still trying to adjust to our new school year schedule, I decided to go easy on myself and decorate a 6 inch round cake like this, in a color of Jocie’s choosing.  Looks pretty simple right?  It probably would have been had my kitchen not been 1000 degrees when I attempted to frost it with frosting that had been out of the fridge too long.  After I had the first two layers of “roses” on I could tell this was not going well. Frosting was melting down the side of the cake and I’d almost run out of frosting.  The remainder of the roses looked a little better as it was a different batch of frosting, but it still wasn’t great and I had barely enough frosting to finish.  Jon wandered through the kitchen.  He’s used to my cake disasters and usually has something nice to say.  When I mentioned how badly this “easy-to make” cake had turned out, all he could muster up this time was “Well, it’s not TOO bad….”

There was nothing I could do about the cake so I put it in the fridge and went to bed.  The next morning, Jocie woke up and ran out to see what her cake looked like.  I braced myself for her disappointment, but she just smiled and said, “It’s soooooo pretty!” 

Yes, I know this take was not quick, but I need this story in print so I can read it again before I stress out about the next cake failure.  

 ~3~

 I don’t understand Spotify’s Discover Weekly.  For two weeks in August I listened to nothing but religious and classical music on Spotify.  Then I clicked on that new Discover Weekly feature to see what songs they suggested for me.  The entire playlist consisted of current pop songs and oldies music (I still hate to call 80s music “oldies”, but I suppose it is).  Two songs were related very loosely to the type of music I had been selecting: 1) Get me to the Church on Time by Frank Sinatra was the closest they came to church hymns and 2) If You Leave by Orchestral  Manoeuvres in the Dark which I guess alludes to the classical music as it has the word Orchestral in the artist’s name.

~4~


Guilt is a powerful motivator.  I hurt my back wrangling a four year old who is too old to need wrangling at Mass last Sunday.  On Tuesday morning, I threw my back out reaching down to pick up a shoe.  It's still not back to normal yet.....and neither is the four year old.  She knows that her behavior is largely the cause of my pain (well, that and the extra 30 pounds hanging around my tummy and hips).  She feels guilty about that and has been an angel all week long.  I'm hoping to milk that long enough to turn her good behavior into a habit.

~5~ 

 Hot flashes can curb early morning bickering.  My daughters wake up early most mornings, but they are not morning people until they’ve had their breakfast.  Nearly every day begins with a fight.  A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed on a Saturday morning sweating out my just-because-I woke-up hot-flash when I heard one of them slam the bathroom door and the other one cry and yell for her sister to open the door and let her in.  I wiped my forehead, paused in front of the fan that was turned on its highest setting, and headed to the hallway to intervene. Normally I might try to help one or both of them find a way to resolve the problem with minimal intervention from me.  I did not have the patience for that this particular morning.  Instead, I just said," You quit overreacting, and you open the door and let her in so I can go back to bed and finish my hot flash in peace and quiet!"  The over-reactor quieted down and the other one opened the door and let her sister in.  I returned to bed.  The only sound that could be heard was that of my husband choking on his laughter.

 ~6~

  Sometimes a hot flash is not a hot flash.  Last week, I was irritated that I was having hot flashes all day long.  Then Jon came home and looked at the thermostat.  It was 86 degrees in the house. We turned the air conditioner on and the "hot flash" magically disappeared.  

~7~

Putting sheets and quilts on bunk beds is a humiliating way to find out just how overweight and out of shape you are.  Enough said.


October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and is also the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage.  I am hopeful I will be able to carve out some time to write a few posts this week related to these topics.

'Rone Rage

The girls and I have new thing going on Fridays this month.  We're calling it "Frimonday".  It's all the household chores of a typical Noack Friday mixed with the crummy attitudes of a Monday and topped off by one expensive or embarrassing event.  Today's event involved me calling a repairman from the gas company because I smelled natural gas in the kitchen, Jon's office (where the gas line comes into the house), and the living room.  After evacuating the girls into the 90+ degree heat, I was certain I could even smell it coming out the back door.  I'd left the door open because I needed to be able to see through to the front door to let the repairman in.  He couldn't call me when he arrived because my cell phone is not charged....and honestly, I'm not even sure where it it.  Probably at the bottom of my purse.

About the time I was thinking that the poor man was probably lying unconscious in my basement, overcome by the fumes, the repairman emerged to let me know he couldn't find a problem.

"But you can smell it right?" I asked.

"Uh....well...no," he replied, "but I did see some rice spilled on the floor down there.  I thought you might want to know so you don't get mice."

Great.  So now, not only does he think that I'm a crazy housewife who either overreacts or smells things that aren't there, he knows I'm a bad housewife.  The rice spilled this morning while I was cleaning, but I hadn't yet bothered to take a broom down there to sweep it up. The repairman was polite and checked a few more things which all turned out fine and was on his way back to whatever real work he was pulled away from by my non-emergency.

The girls, fueled by a round of heat exhaustion, launched back into Frimonday behavior.  Jocie is currently recovering from the day's excitement with a Raggedy Ann treasury and Meredith is serving time in her bedroom for misuse of a garden hose and fleeing from authority.  I am feeling knocked down by embarrassment, another round of Frimonday, and some unfun events of this morning.  Rather than dwell on all that, I thought I'd share a memory from nearly five years ago.  Coincidentally, it also took place on a Friday.

Friday, September 3, 2010 was a busy day.  Jocie turned one that day, I was preparing for her party the following day, my neighbor was holding a huge garage sale, and Meredith was fighting for survival against my plummeting progesterone levels.  My levels had dropped shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Jocelyn too, but an early ultrasound showed she was fine and my levels rebounded at the next check.  We assumed the same thing would happen with Meredith.  The ultrasound showed a healthy baby, but when I started bleeding a few days later, my levels were rechecked sooner than planned.  The results showed my progesterone was contining to decline.  I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage and scheduled to begin progesterone injections first thing that Friday morning.

I  was up early that morning to frost Jocie's cake while she hung on my ankles and scavenged for crumbs off the floor (I was a bad housewife back then too).  I dropped a cupcake off next door with the neighbor holding the garage sale as it was her birthday too.  I let her know that I was going to the doctor's office for about 30 minutes and asked that she not let people park in my driveway.  We live on a busy street with no on-street parking and side streets that fill up fast.  She agreed to keep an eye out for cars and since she was aware of what was going on with the pregnancy I trusted that she would protect my driveway.

The injection appointment was uneventful.  The nurse warned me about injection site pain and how to deal with that.  What she didn't tell me was that sometimes it takes your body a few injections to adjust going from progesterone levels of 13 to 200 in a matter of minutes.  Maybe that's not the case for everyone.  It was certainly the case for me, as I was about to experience.

As we drove down the the street toward our home, I could see a car pulled into my driveway.  I was annoyed more than I might normally have been, but figured it was just someone who needed to pull up closer to the sale to load their purchases.  I drove around a few blocks slowly before making my way back to our street.

The car was still in the driveway, but this time I realized that the driver was standing near her car trying clothes on her daughter.  There wasn't any traffic behind me, so I put my blinker on and waited.  She looked up, looked away, and continued with what she was doing.  As that progesterone continued to spread a bit further into my system,  my level of annoyance increased.  Think in terms of terms of Bruce Banner's pupils narrowing to pinpoints and his skin taking on a greenish hue.  Definitely an overreaction.

I turned my blinker off and drove around the neighborhood a little less leisurely this time.  I had a cake that needed to be frosted and a house to clean and I was still trying to stay off my feet as much as I could until the bleeding stopped.  I checked out the side streets for parking spots, but there weren't many and Jocie wasn't walking yet.  I really wasn't feeling up to lugging all 20 plus pounds of a sturdy toddler a few blocks and then sprinting across the busy street when I had a perfectly good driveway that would allow me to lug Jocie only a few feet before depositing her on the kitchen floor to go exploring for stray stale Cheerios.  The more I thought about my driveway, the angrier I became.

I turned back onto our street, pulled up even with the driveway, turned my blinker on, and waited.  This time the lady was chatting with someone.  She saw me again, and ignored me again.  By this point, all that progesterone was coursing through my veins and it sent me into full-blown Incredible Hulk mode.  I was not going to let this woman hijack my driveway any more.
I took my foot off the brake, applied it perhaps a touch too heavily to the gas pedal, and drove up onto my lawn.  I manuevered around her car and into the top half of my driveway.  I turned my car off, hit the remote to open the garage door, removed Jocie from her car seat, and stomped toward the garage as much as a woman trying to walk on eggshells so as not to miscarry can stomp.  The lady yelled "Sorry!"  in a tone that conveyed she was anything but, and then said that my neighbor gave her permission to park there.  When I didn't respond, she proceeded to tell me that I had a serious attitude problem.  While there were several comebacks running through my head, my progesterone-fueled rage couldn't overcome my introverted nature.  Strangers make me feel awkward, even when channeling The Hulk.....though, come to think of it, I don't ever remember Lou Ferrigno saying much either.  Usually he just growled and grunted.  Maybe he was an introvert too.  At any rate, I kept my comments and my growling to myself.  I just closed the garage door and went into the house to resume the party preparations.

So there you have it.  The progesterone story I promised you last week.  I can't say retelling it has jolted me out of my Frimonday mood, but maybe it made at least one of you laugh today.  And for those of you rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself "Is she EVER going to stop telling that story?", how about a cute picture of the little girl who was having a birthday that day?  Here you go:

And a bonus photo because I ran across this one while looking for the first and it made me laugh.

Answer Me This

I'm linking up earlier than usual today because it's our anniversary and Jon and I are headed out on our annual date of dinner and errands that are easier to run while the girls are at Grandma's house.  This year it's choosing  concrete stain for the sunporch and most likely Mexican food.  Don't be too jealous.


1. What's your favorite grocery store splurge?
Staying under the grocery budget each week is far more fun for me than splurging, so this is a hard one for me.
I don't know if it counts as a "splurge" since it's healthy, but summer fruit is something that I have a hard time resisting.  After a winter of eating nothing apples, oranges, and the occasional discounted bag of clementines, I tend to go overboard on all of the summer fruit.
I did splurge on cheap popsicles this summer.  Mostly to see the look on Meredith's face.  She'd been hintly not-so-subtly about how fun it would be to have popsicles throughout May and part of June.  I was feeling guilty about the high fructose corn syrup and artificial colors and flavors, yet didn't have enough wiggle room in the grocery budget to spring for the all-natural kind.  The one week she didn't mention them, I gave in and bought them.  She was shocked and so thankful (how did I end up with a child whose love language is gifts??).  I shouldn't have felt so guilty about buying them.  After a month of having them in the house, the girls have each eaten three....and Meredith has moved on to harassing me about the box of 100 ice pops the grocery store sells.  I'm not caving on that one.

2. How's your penmanship?
Like the love child of Zaner-Bloser and D'Nealian.  I had atrocious handwriting right up through my first year of college.  I thought I'd better fix that if I wanted to be a good teacher.  So I slowed my writing way down and forced myself to write neatly.  Now it's second-nature for me to write that way.  I prefer the clean lines of Zaner-Bloser, but I'm lazy and don't like to pick my pencil up as often as that style requires so a fair amount of D'Nealian sneaks in.  Plus monkey tails are fun.
I've always envied those who have artsy handwriting, but since I'm not artsy enough to pull that off, I'll just stick with my boring by-the-rules penmanship.

3. Do you have a "Summer Bucket List?"
Sort of.  After having summertime overplanning backfire on me a few years ago, I stick to a "Wouldn't it be fun if we did some of these things but not all of them and no pressure and mostly let's just focus on being outside as much as possible" list.  This week we're going to try to go to a free sprayground one day (to make up for the meeting with my investment advisor I'm dragging them to beforehand) and maybe walk to the nearby public flower gardens.

4. What's the best thing on the radio right now?
I don't listen to the radio a lot during the summer as I'd rather soak in the sounds of outside, but I do enjoy listening to Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me on Saturday mornings. 

5. Ice cream or frozen yogurt?
Yes please.  I like both, but if I'm not making it or buying it from the grocery store, then ice cream.  Because of the pricing.  I can go to an ice cream shop and look at the menu board and pick out the cheapest option.  Around here all the frozen yogurt seems to be sold by weight.  I haven't been to one of those places because I'm afraid that I'd put too much in my cup and then panic at the register.  I doubt they'd let me put any of it back and I'd have to pay for it and then I'd stay up all night worried that I need to find a job to pay back the money I frivolously spent on yogurt and then I'd be cranky the next day because of the lack of sleep and a few bites of yogurt just aren't worth all of that.

So ice cream.  Mint chocolate chip preferably.  Or cinnamon.

6. Have you had that baby NOW? (Again, you can skip this one if you want.)
No baby of course, but congratulations to Kendra on her newest blessing.
Meredith did harvest some baby peas from the garden though.  She wanted to grow peas and carrots this year.  After fighting chilly temps and flooding rains this spring, rabbits who managed to get through the picket fence lined with chicken wire to eat the young, tender plants and blossoms, and squirrels who made off with my first batch of cucumbers, it was exciting to finally get a bit of produce of our own.  The carrots aren't quite ready yet and Mer and I have differeing opinons as to whther we'll get more peas, but she was so happy to pick and eat the two peas we grew.  As you can see, the cucumber plants are doing well.  Chasing down a squirrel and taking back my cucumber seems to have stopped them from poaching produce from my garden. 

Go visit Kendra at Catholic All Year for more answers.

Thoughts on NFP from a Procrastinator

So it's the tail end of Natural Family Planning Awareness Week and many of the Catholic bloggers have written great posts about NFP from every perspective possible - the hyperfertile, the subfertile, the infertile, the overcharters, the undercharters, the noncharters.   I've been a little torn about throwing in my two cents for several reasons.

First and foremost, my body is deeply craving the progesterone it needs to (sorta) balance out my hormones and my mood this week.  Because of that, I have written some deep dark mean posts in my head.  Thankfully, there's no "publish" button for the thoughts I think to myself and God has given me the grace I need to recognize those thoughts as progesterone-deprived.  I'm not always so lucky.  Ask my husband.

Secondly, my feelings about NFP have run the gamut from excitement to gratitude to frustration to resentment to resignation to all of the above at the same time.  How I feel about it today isn't how I felt about it a year ago and might not be how I feel about it in a few months.

In the beginning, the Creighton model of NFP (sympto-thermal doesn't work for an insomniac like me!) was something that I couldn't praise highly enough.  Using it allowed me to lengthen my 17 day cycles and shorten my 12 day period to within more normal limits.  And it gave us this:

 And this 19 months later:

After that, my relationship with NFP gets a little rockier.  I've typed out several explanations this week, but since I don't think the line "NFP- It's better than contraception and immoral fertility treatments but not as good as God" will ever sell anyone on using NFP, I think I'll just refer you over to two other bloggers who have done a much better job that I could ever dream of doing.

Mandi of A Blog About Miscarriage wrote about how NFP is good and useful in some circumstances, but will never be easy for everyone because it has no place in the perfect world God created.  Go read it. It's good.

Christine of Domestic Vocation wrote this post that explains so exactly my daily struggle.  Trade out "tubal ligation" for "avoided pregnancy for 18 months due to family emergency and the fact that two rounds of post-partum depression is no joke (even though I joke about it because humor is my defense mechanism of choice) and was taking a toll on our marriage" and it's my story.

As for the future, I don't know how I'll feel about NFP.  Right now (dependent upon some test results in the next few months) we're staring down a potential choice of remaining open to life and facing what would be high chances of additional miscarriages or living like Bert and Ernie for the next 2-11 years.  Which, come to think of it, we already do.  I'm an insomniac that gets lonely during the night and Jon gets annoyed when I wake him up with silly questions. Like this:

Anyway.  It looks like I've gotten a bit off track.  NFP.  It's a great tool to help you concieve (or not) if the whatever happens, happens method isn't working (or is working too well!).  Go read the other articles.

Come back tomorrow for Answer Me This and maybe a bonus story about what happens when I overdose on progesterone that was requested by a reader.

Almostforty

***Attention relatives: I promised to clearly label fertilty posts and mommy blogger posts.  This post contains personal information regarding my fertility.  Everyone has different tolerance levels for this.  If yours is low you may want to stop reading now so that you can still look me in the eye when you ask me to pass the potatoes at the next family gathering.

Ahem.  Now that we're down to the remaining three readers of this blog, let's continue shall we?

Today is my thirty-ninth birthday.  On Monday I started to type up a celebratory post detailing all the minutiae of my health issues and doctor appointments since my last miscarriage.  That's what five days of costochondritis - which feels like you are having a heart attack and can't catch your breath (even though your oxygen levels are just fine) - and an hour or so trapped in the girls' room "encouraging" Meredith to lay her sweet little head down on her pillow and succumb to sleep will do to you...or at least to me.

Fortunately, I didn't finish that post before the girls fell asleep and I came to my senses before clicking on the "publish" button.  Still, now that  I'm firmly past the "well, yes, your fertility IS declining, but there's PLENTY of time" age of 35 and well into the "Umm, really, you want a baby?....and you're HOW old again?" age of almostforty, I feel like I should do an update on where we're at in terms of fertility.  I'm typing this while the girls are at storytime, so I am forced to keep it brief.  You're welcome.

After nearly a year of feeling less and less trusting and confident of the ob-gyn I've been with for the last seven years, I finally switched to a new doctor in Omaha.  I've only had one appointment so far and she was a little hard to read, so I'm not certain yet that it was a good move.  She wants to start over with everything so we're starting back at square one in terms of identifying my fertility issues.
Here's what we know so far:

• It is suspected that my endometriosis has returned and she wants to do another laparoscopy to remove it.  I agree that it has returned, but it is not yet interfering with my life in the way that it did before my last surgery (I felt like I had the stomach flu and that all my internal organs were being wrung out for 1-2 weeks every cycle).  I think we'll wait to see what the bills from my cardiac-episode-that-turned-out-not-to-be-a-cardiac-episode-but-required-lots-of-expensive-cardiac-related-tests-to-rule-things-out-because-Julie-can't-ever-have-simple-health-issues are like before we commit to another laparoscopy.
• She wants to see what my body does without progesterone.  I have taken oral progesterone for the last 7+ years.  It's what keeps me nice during the second half of my cycle.  Okay that's not true.  It's what keeps my pms-induced irritability from completely ruining the lives of everyone around me for the last ten days of my cycle.  Pray for Jon and the girls.  And check back here for new posts during the next two months.  There's no telling what kind of blog posts progesterone deprivation will generate.

•  I might have PCOS.  I don't buy it as my symptoms don't match any of the common PCOS symptoms and I have been previously diagnosed with premature follicle rupture, which is sort of the opposite of PCOS.  If she can back it up with some cold, hard facts then I'll be more willing to listen.

• She wants to answer the question of whether I'm in perimenopause about as much as my previous doctor and my NFP consultant did.  The other doctor rejected that idea based solely on my age.  My NFP consultant usually denied it, but recently has started admitting that it is one possibility.  The new doctor refused to answer the question.

• After my two months of nonstop rage progesterone withdrawal, I will go back up to Omaha to have my NFP charts evaluated and blood drawn for a hormone panel.  It's been about two years since I've had one of those and given my age, the old one is probably no longer accurate.  The results of this bloodwork should answer the am-I-or-aren't-I perimenopause question.

So where does that leave us now?  Mostly waiting.  Based on the frequency with which my formerly cold-blooded self is dragging an oscillating fan around the house, I'd guess that the next round of bloodwork will show that I'm on the fast-track to menopause.  In that case, game over.  I will be sad, Jon will be sad (but relieved that the medical fund part of our budget might have a chance to recover), and we'll need to break the news to Meredith that God is not going to answer her daily prayer of another sibling in the way she is hoping.  And for any of you who are thinking that I don't have a right to be sad because this is my own fault and I should have had my babies when I was younger and more fertile, I'm working on writing about that very topic.  For now, suffice it to say that I think many women are at least a little sad when their child-bearing years come to a close, regardless of the number of children they have or don't have.

And then we'll all move on.  Jon will work on building a bunker for himself in anticipation of having two female teenagers and a maybe-not-quite-yet-post-menopausal wife at the same time.  And I'll move on to setting my sights on another unattainable goal.  Aside from having more children, the one thing I've felt compelled to do in the last few years is find a way to help our diocese educate students with disabilities whose needs can't be met by existing programs.  Which is a completely ridiculous goal for someone who homeschools, has allowed her teaching certificate to lapse, has no connections to anyone who can make this happen and doesn't even know if the Catholic families of children with severe and/or multiple disabilities are even interested in this.  So maybe I'll just spend more time thinking about what's next.

If I am wrong, then I guess we'll see what the doctor's recommendations are.  We would love to have another baby, but given my age, we're also going to be realistic about the chances of various treatments actually working and will weigh the risks and costs with the needs of our current family.

As for today, now that I've deleted all the life insurance and burial life insurance offers from my inbox, I'm going to spend the rest of my birthday taking care of my girls.  That will likely include a round of Candyland with Meredith, scrubbing out and refilling the swimming pool, washing the towels that I found mouldering in the bathroom, and a trip to the neighborborhood park this evening to ensure a quick and painless bedtime for all of us.  BLTs, sweet corn, and homemade sugar-free blueberry popsicles are on the menu for tonight...and then probably 45 minutes of quality time with a Fitness Blender workout to combat the bacon and bread calories, followed by a moment of silence in remembrance of my 20s when I could eat bacon and bread (and cake and ice cream) on my birthday and not gain any weight.

Answer Me This - Julie is Cheap and Boring Edition

I haven't been very good about blogging lately.  The days have been busy around here and I'd rather spend my nights sitting on the sunporch with a good book listening to the chirps of the birds and the katydids, the rustling of the leaves, and the sounds of so many kids bouncing on trampolines (while mine lay in their beds discussing how none of the other kids on the block have to go to bed as early as they do).
I should be out mowing the lawn this afternoon, but it's 93 degrees with a heat index of 103 so I think that will wait until tomorrow.  Jon threw his back out again this morning and I have a bout of costochondritis (inflamed chest wall for no good reason that makes it feel like you're having a nonstop heart attack - loads of fun!) so we're just laying low for the day.  I thought I'd catch up on blogging by playing along with Answer Me This.  I'm hoping to post a few times in the next week about infertility, a health update, and maybe something cute for the grandparents.....but we'll see how the week plays out.


1. At what temperature do you keep the thermostat set? Summer, winter, day, night?

We are cheap economically and environmentally conscious people so we try to have the thermostat set to off as much as possible.  In the summer, once the indoor thermometer hits 85 degrees, we turn on the A/C and set it to 79.  We turn it off and open the windows as much as possible.  It drives me nuts to not be able to hear the sounds of spring, summer, and early fall.  When the weather turns cold, we set the temp to 66 during the day and 64 at night.  The first year we lived here we tried to live with 63 during the day and 60 at night.  It was doable, but when I found myself reaching for a third pair of socks to wear over the two I already had on, we decided to adjust the budget and the thermostat a bit.

2. What is your favorite frozen beverage?

I have no idea.  Frozen beverages seem like more work and expense than they are worth so I don't ever make them.  We only go out to eat a couple of times a year and I usually try to order whatever is least expensive, so fancy drinks are out then too. I do prefer crushed ice to cubes in my tea and water.  Does that count?

3. Where do you keep your keys?

Wherever I set them down.  Which is why I am always looking for them and often in a bad mood by the time I leave the house.  I do have 3 or 4 usual places, but there are also 10-12 occasional locations and 1 or 2 "which child moved my keys there because there is absolutely no reason I would ever think of putting them there-oh wait, maybe I did" spots. 
When I was single, I had a cute little dish on an entryway table that I dropped my keys in every time I walked through the door.  I always knew where they were, I was never late because I couldn't find my keys, and the only reason I needed a spare key was to loan to the car repair shop.
Now I just toss them wherever they land when I come in the house carrying a week's worth of groceries, a sinful number of library books, and/or a tantrumming or sleeping Meredith.  Jon frowns upon this habit of mine and always knows where his keys are.  Until he installs key hooks just inside the front and back doors, things are unlikely to change.  And if I'm being honest, key hooks probably won't change my bad habit either.

4. Have you ever really been lost? 

Jon and I get at least a little lost every time we travel.  Once, while trying to visit his aunt and uncle, we missed the same exit 3 times in a row.  We still knew where we were though, so I guess that doesn't count.
When I was a child, I got lost a lot.  I was really short and had a tendency to daydream (or read while walking if I had a book with me).  All adults look pretty similar from the legs down, so it was not uncommon for me to wander off with another lady in stores.  I usually figured it out pretty quickly and, after a panicky few moments, was able to find my mom - often without her even knowing I had been gone.
We lived three blocks straight south of the junior/senior high school in a very small town.  When I started kindergarten, a bus picked me up across the street from my house after lunch and another one dropped me off outside the high school at the end of the day.  For the first few days my high-school aged sister was responsible for walking me from the bus to our house.  After that it was assumed that I could walk that short distance home.  All I needed to do was walk to the corner, turn left and walk three blocks to our house. 
The first day that I was to walk by myself, I hopped off the bus, walked confidently to the corner, and froze.  Was I supposed to walk a short way, turn, and walk a long way?  Or was it walk a long way, turn, and walk a short way?  I couldn't remember.  After some hard thought, I chose the latter, which was, of course, wrong.  As I started walking, I did think that the houses didn't look familiar.  By the time I reached the highway two blocks away, I knew I wasn't going the right way, but I was impressed that the cars were stopping for me, so I continued across the highway.
Rather than turning around and backtracking, I decided to go ahead and turn left and continue walking.  After another block, I decided to cross back across the highway.  Again, the drivers were so nice and stopped for me to cross.  I crossed the side street and decided to cross the highway again.  I don't remember if I did so because it seemed like the right path or because I was just having fun causing the cars to stop for me.  After the last highway crossing, I continued on for one more block.  As I was stopped at the next corner trying to decide whether to go back across the highway, a familiar car pulled up and I was ordered into the backseat. 
While I was out exploring, my mom was waiting at home for me to return.  My three-year-old sister had pushed a plastic bead into her nostril and my mom needed to take her to the doctor.  Once my older sister arrived home (without having passed me on the way), my mom left her to wait for me and drove the 3 blocks to the doctor.  One block from her destination, she saw me, stopped the car long enough to order me into the backseat and drove on to the doctor.  I don't remember her being anything but irritated that I was standing on the side of the highway several blocks from where I was supposed to be.  There was probably some concern on her part, though, as another kindergartener who lived on our street was put in charge of getting me started home in the right direction every day until Christmas.

5. What is the last movie you saw in the theaters?

I'm a cheapskate and there usually isn't money in the budget for things like movies.  We almost always wait for movies to come out on Redbox or watch older ones on Netflix.  The girls don't really know about movie theaters and think it's exciting to eat supper in the living room while watching a movie 4 or 5 times a year.  It works for us.

After reading so many positive reviews of Cinderella this spring, I decided to splurge on tickets.  Our local theater has $5 tickets every Tuesday so that made it more affordable.  I really enjoyed the movie.  I think Jocie would have too, but she was too blown away by the Frozen short that preceded the movie to pay attention to anything else.  Meredith enjoyed the free popcorn.  I think we'll stick with Redbox and Netflix.

.......Reading back over these, I'm realizing that all I've shared is that I'm cheap and boring and unorganized about my keys.  Head over to Catholic All Year for more interesting answers!