It looks like the Mommy Wars flared up a bit over the weekend. I was away from the blogs I usually read for a few days so I'm a little late to the game. It looks like the battle this time seems to be over whether it's okay to share your emotions and opinions about Mother's Day. Should those who have much to celebrate openly enjoy the day? Are they required to acknowledge those who are less excited about the day? Should those who have poor relationships with their mothers or long to be a mother keep quiet about their pain? Are they ruining the day for other if they do share why the day is hard for them?
I think Kendra of Catholic All Year has the answer for all sides in her post about opting out of mommy angst posted on Mother's Day. The short version of what she says is this: Everyone is different. Those differences don't take anything away from your life and experiences. Make informed decisions about what works best for you and your family and then own those decisions. I think this is advice that gets easier to follow as we age (that was the case for me), but it's definitely worth a try. Following her suggestions everyone wins.
So next Mother's Day....
If you have one or two or ten kids and you want to take them to Disney World to thank them for all the joy they bring you, then do it. Know that not everyone will approve or be happy for you, but rest assured that you've made the decision that works best for your family.
If you you have no children, are dreading sitting through another Mother's Day blessing at church and looking at all the celebratory pictures on social media and you feel called to remind others to be sensitive to those without children or mothers, then go for it. Know that not everyone will agree with you and some will feel that you need to just stay quiet so they can enjoy their day. Take comfort in knowing that you've made the decision that works best for your family.
If you want to start the day eating breakfast in bed prepared by your husband and kids and follow that up with a fun day together doing your favorite things, but prefer to keep those memories to yourself and not share them with the rest of the world (perhaps out of deference to a close friend or family member that struggles with this holiday), then that's exactly what you should do. Maybe your social media friends won't understand why you didn't post a picture of your happy family, but they don't need to know anything beyond the fact that you did what you know is best for your family.
If you have a really awesome mom and you want to shower her with flowers, take her out for dinner and post a bunch of pictures to let all your Facebook friends know how much you love and appreciate her, then have fun doing that. Know that those friends who have a strained or nonexistent relationship with their mom might not like your photos and some might choose to make a snarky comment. Ignore those comments (or pray for the authors of those comments) and know that you made the decision that is best for you and your mom.
If Mother's Day brings up unpleasant memories or emotions for whatever reason and you choose to stay away from all reminders of the day, then do what you need to do to make it through the day. Just know that those aren't the experiences of everyone else and not everyone is going to join you in your boycott. Some people might even be offended by your choice. And that's okay. Everyone is doing what works best for their family based on their personal experiences.
As for me? I'll be doing what I always do - siding with the founder of Mother's Day. I don't balk at celebrating because I've lost two children or because I have secondary infertility. I just don't love holidays like Mother's Day. I feel the same way about Valentine's Day and even my birthday. I love accepting whatever homemade card or gift my girls have created for me because they wanted to - not because they are expected to. I don't want my husband to do anything other than wish me a Happy Mother's Day because I'm not his mother. I do want him to spend time with his mom on Mother's Day. She is his mother and that's who he should shower with his love and appreciation. I will include mothers of all types in my prayers because I can empathize with many of them. I don't expect everyone (or even anyone) to agree with how we celebrate the day. But I'm content with our choices. It's what works for our family. If you don't like how we celebrate or if you chose to celebrate (or not celebrate) in a different way, that's what you should do. It doesn't take away anything from my day. I hope you enjoyed yours .....or survived it, if that's the case.
And now, that I've typed this all out, I'm going to sit here and think about whether I really need to throw myself into this particular debate. If you're reading this, then I probably haven't made a good decision. What can I say? I'm human. I make a lot of bad decisions. I've also been staying up till midnight reading books for the last week so that is further impairing my judgement. Maybe if I can learn to go to bed earlier, I'll learn to be a more responsible blogger. Maybe.
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